Say What Sunday....

Could it be true? Dare I say it aloud? Nope, don't want to ginx myself...well...um...ok. Little Brownie is potty training! Not because I'd like to be diaper free for the first time in 3 years, not because I spent 30 minutes cleaning a blowout down the carpeted staircase last week and certainly not because I think they are soooo cute. My Little Brownie is growing up and I'm not sure I'm ready. The past few mornings, Little Brownie has risen up from his nighttime slumber with a dry diaper. I've rushed him to the potty and Presto...we have pee-pee in the potty. He has been running around bare bottom for the last couple of days. He has made many deposits in the potty, however, I am smart enough to have picked up on how his little mind works...THE REWARD SYSTEM.

For every deposit into the potty no matter how big or small, you get a small treat. I had stockpiled last Valentine's day on candy heart treats. We have gone through almost my whole stash. So thankfully last night I found a bag of butterscotch morsels. This is our new potty treat. Big Brownie has decided that he is also potty training and each time he sprinkles a little tinkle, he asks, "May I please have a potty treat?" I am certain that this is not the end all and be all of potty training. I have no illusion that Little Brownie will be fully potty trained in a few weeks. But he is showing initiative and that initiative will be rewarded, each and every time it is used. Thank you heavenly father for giving me these blessings?

Speaking of blessings, I watched my Big Brownie sleep today and it was good. He slipped his hand underneath mine as I was singing songs to him at nap-time. He burrows his little feet between my legs and smiles so big, his dimples are the biggest indentations I've ever seen. I said, "I love you baby." He replied, "I love you baby Mama." As he drifted off to sleep, I watched his little smile softly fade and his clasp of my hand grow still. What a true blessing he is to me.

Big Brownie started mother's day out and is LOVING it! He loves his teacher and he loves his snacks. He busts in without much of a goodbye to me each morning, which I'm so grateful. No tears, no crying, no..."Mama will you stay with me?" It is the best feeling to know he is secure enough in knowing I will be back to get him. He loves going to "Bible School". Any day we pass the church, he points and says, "That is my favorite place to go play and have LOTS AND LOTS of fun".

And speaking of Mother's Day out...today, Big Brownie was telling me about his best friend Jack. I assumed he was speaking about a friend at school. He told me that he loves to play with him and that they share all the time. I was encouraging him to be a good friend and to be kind to one another. He looked up at me and said, "Mama, can Jack come over to play with me at my house." I replied, "Sure, if Jack's mother says it's ok for Jack to visit, then he can come play here at your house." He said, "Yay! and can Jack's Little Brother come too?" I said, "Absolutely, the more the merrier." He started dancing in the kitchen and I asked him this, "What is Jack's Little Brother's name?" He said, "Rabbit". I looked at him puzzled and said, "Jack's brother is named Rabbit?" He said, "Yes Mama, Jack and Rabbit want to come play. Can we call them on the phone to come now?" I said, "How do you know Jack?" He replied, "From school". So, tomorrow I will be scoping out to see if Big Brownie has a classmate named Jack or are we venturing into the world of make believe. I welcome all friends and I encourage his imagination to blossom. I just really need to know if Jack really has a brother named Rabbit.

Little Brownie is loving his Mama time whilst Big Brownie is at school. We read book after book after book. Did I mention we read books? We do...all the time. He asked, "Where's Bubba?" I've replied, "Bubba is at school." He just looks at me and smiles. He says, "You read it? Dis wone, dis wone right here!" I think he even enjoys being able to watch whatever DVD he wants, and he also enjoys sitting in Big Brownie's car seat. The other day, he laid down in Big Brownies bed and fell asleep for a little bit. I think he just relishes the idea of being all over Big Brownies stuff, without Big Brownie even knowing. It will be a secret that I will keep for sure. Coloring in all the coloring books and using markers and glue. Things that he normally doesn't get to touch without Big Brownie constantly instructing him how to use them correctly. And then there are the moments of shear bliss. The long hugs, sweet kisses, precious smiles and the "I wub you Mommy" that happens on a hourly basis. Undivided attention that he has never felt in his 20 months of life. I have a few projects lined up for this coming week, thanks to a dear friend that dropped off a basket of fun activities. He absolutely will not know what to do with himself, when he doesn't have to share or wait his turn. These are the days that I will cherish for a lifetime.

Running, Relaxing and Rainbows...

Well, today was the BIG day! That's right, the day I have been preparing since the end of May. I made a commitment to run a 5k race and today, I can mark it off my official bucket list. I can tell you that when I started, I could barely jog for a 60 second period. I can tell you that in the first 4 1/2 weeks I had tremendous doubt that I would complete my goal. I can also tell you that the first time I ran 20 minutes, it was the milestone of milestones. At that moment I knew that I could do this...and today I did.

The day started out with Little Brownie waking at 3a. Daddy Brown sprung from the bed to attend to him while I slept a while longer for the big day. Once my alarm went off at 4:45a, I snoozed until 5:03a, then realized it was RACE DAY. We started out with the Brown family running on schedule. This is an unusual statement, because we are usually ALWAYS running behind. Little Brownie apparently did not return to slumber after his 3a awakening, but enjoyed resting and playing in his crib for 2 hours. I sprung out of the bed and hopped into the shower, dressed, woke Daddy Brown and the Brownies and everyone was dressed and ready to depart the house at exactly 5:35a. Daddy Brown went to put The Brownies in the car and we hit our first snag...I had left the car on all night long. WHAT? Yep, that is right, something I haven't done in MANY MANY YEARS. So, the family truckster was out of commission and with seconds counting down, Daddy Brown whisked the boys car seats out of the car and into his work truck. I ran around trying to fasten and buckle as quickly as possible. In a bit of frazzle, we buckled in ourselves and out the driveway we went. Not before a note of encouragement from a friend. Tacked to the mailbox, a special note... and in small print, Phil 4:13 which reads, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me". That meant so much to me.

As we continue down the road to drop the Brownies off at Gran Gran and Pops, Daddy Brown realized he had forgotten his wallet. We made the decision to turn around and retrieve it. Precious minutes are slipping away and I'm getting more and more anxious. Daddy Brown runs inside, grabs his wallet and it is now 6:03a. We get to Gran Gran and Pops house and drop the boys without any issues, switched vehicles so they could take the boys to eat at Cracker Barrel and we headed to our destination at approximately 6:25a. I talked to Daddy Brown about my anxiousness. Self doubt entered my mind and I began to worry. I had been worrying for several days after having a couple of bad runs. Several late nights and extremely early mornings during the past week had prevented me from getting a few extra "good" runs in and I felt unsettled and uncertain.

We arrived at the race venue on one of the most beautiful mornings at 7:03a. As we pulled into the parking lot and parked, Daddy Brown grabbed my hands and we prayed. The weather could not have been more perfect for a day of outdoor adventure. Low humidity, only about 75 degrees and partly cloudy. Daddy Brown and I went to the registration table and out of the 4 of us that was running, my name was not on the list. My heart sank into my stomach. The organizers hustled me quickly to another table, registered me without question and handed me my race number...562. I pinned my number to my shirt and still had so much doubt. Aunt and Uncle Fudge were there and Aunt Berry arrived to watch us run as our own cheering section. We stretched and prepared for the run. I went all the way to the back of the pack. I didn't want to hold any body up and I was still not sure if I could run the entire 5k without stopping. That was my goal...I didn't want to stop. No matter how slow my pace was, I just didn't want to stop.

The horn sounded and off we went. Daddy Brown was with me in pace and stride the entire time. Many times I felt like I was going to stop. Then, I'd ask for strength. I'd ask for guidance. I remembered Baby Tyler from earlier in the week and how he will never have the opportunity to run. It helped push me. I asked Daddy Brown to run in front of me and asked him to lead me home. It hurt when an elderly gentlemen passed us with a smooth gliding pace. It hurt when I realized that the 2.5 mile marker sign we just passed was for the second lap around and I was only REALLY passing the 1 mile marker. But in the end, I did it, we did it. It wasn't just me and I could not have done it without the Good Lord, a little will power and of course, Daddy Brown.

As we approached the finish line, I began to tear up. I raised my hands and praised God. For I had set a goal 3 months ago and today, I realized that goal. It was monumental for me to have completed it. Once it was over, I couldn't hold back the tears. It felt good and it felt surreal. It was almost an out of body experience. We walked to the bathrooms and I took a deep breath. We ate wonderful breakfast food that the organizers provided and we talked about the race. We watched other runners as they interacted with each other and we recovered quickly. As awards and prizes were handed out, I looked at Aunt Fudge and thought how grateful I am to have such a wonderful friend who was so willing to go on this journey with me. I looked at Uncle Fudge and giggled as I knew he was in his element. He wanted so badly to crack jokes and cut-up, but because of Aunt Fudge, hewas truly on his best behavior. I looked at Aunt Berry, who woke up at the crack of dawn to come show support. I will be eternally grateful for her for showing up. And I looked at Daddy Brown, who has encouraged and help me to do this. I felt so many emotions, I couldn't really speak. On the way home, Daddy Brown asked me, "Are you proud of yourself?" I said, "Yes". He said, "You don't seem happy." I replied, "I am, I just feel odd". He said, "You did great and I'm proud of you"!

We picked up the boys, took the rest of the afternoon to relax and rest. As we pulled into home, there was a bouquet of red roses waiting for me on the doorstep. On the note, "We are so proud of you and we love you!" Flowers left by my sisters and just one more reason I feel blessed by every person in my life. Daddy Brown got the family car running...thank you Jesus! The boys and I headed to the store to pick up a few items and along the way, enjoyed a rainbow hunt. We found 5 on the way from our house to the store. They were so excited. Little Brownie yelled, "Wook, Mommy, Bainbow!" Big Brownie pointed out all the colors he saw. Yep, it was a good day. One that I will remember and cherish for many years to come. I set a goal, I followed a program to realize that goal and in the end, I met my goal. It could not have been better...well, except the part about the old man that passed me, that still hurts! ~Mama Brown.

I'm prepared...

It's been a really tough weekend for a family friend. My mother's best friend had a tragedy. Her niece and nephew lost their 3 week old baby. He was born without a left ventricle. That is difficult to even write much less say or even imagine. The mother of the baby had proper prenatal care, but some how this was missed on all the test and screenings.

Little Baby Tyler was born on July 21st at a mid-state hospital. He was seemingly normal and his doctor noticed he had a heart murmur. Upon further testing, a birth defect became apparent and the baby was transferred to a Children's Hospital to the NICU. Surgery after surgery, fight after fight, baby Tyler was given countless last minute chances. His little chest remained open for all 3 weeks of his life, for emergency purposes I'm sure. An artificial device called an EMO, worked as his heart. Blood was pumped in and blood was pumped out. Tubes, cords, ventilator, fluids all attached to a small 8 pound frame. He fought for every moment of his life.

Baby Tyler's parents are simple folk. Not given many opportunities in life, wanted as we all do, a better future for their baby. Surviving on very little, the scraped and saved every penny to make sure their baby would come home to the very best they could provide. They prepared well. The only thing they had yet to purchase was a high chair. When purchasing items for their baby, they felt if the name on the product was Johnson & Johnson and Pampers, their baby needed it and they made sure they had plenty of it. All of these items lovingly purchased in anticipation of their son's beginnings are now painful reminders of what will no longer be.

Sunday, August 15th, Baby Tyler's fight ended. My mother was there by her best friends side as the decision was made. Baby Tyler's kidney's began to fail and he began bleeding on the brain. His Daddy decided that Baby Tyler was not going to suffer any longer. He knew that this was what was to be and he was prepared....he was prepared. He was prepared to make the most difficult decision imaginable. As a parent myself, my heart breaks at that statement. "I'm prepared to do what needs to be done for the best interest of my son." He was prepared to say, enough is enough. He was prepared to hold his baby in his final moments. He was prepared to give every bit of himself to his son in his final breaths. He was prepared.

How can anyone be prepared to make such a decision? Aunt Berry came to the hospital to take photographs of Baby Tyler and his family in the last few hours of his life. Pictures that I'm sure the family will covet for the rest of their lives. Once the decision had been made, the nurses began slowly removing tubes and equipment that was keeping Baby Tyler alive. As his mother clung to her baby and wailed, there were no words of comfort that could take the pain away. Her baby was dying. Are we ever prepared to hold our dying child in our arms? Could I handle such a tragedy with such dignity? It makes you ask, "Why?" What was the purpose of this child's life here on earth for such a short amount of time?

As the last pieces of equipment were removed, Baby Tyler's father, my Mom, my Mom's best friend stood and held Baby Tyler's little hands and feet. It didn't take long for the sweet gift from God to pass into our Father's arms. Tears, heartbreak and silence filled the room. As Baby Tyler's Dad held his son, he said, "I just want him to move, just one last time." He kissed his baby over and over again. As they left the hospital, they were in disbelief. All the trips back and forth over the past 3 weeks, this was the first time they were leaving without any hope of coming back to see their son. They were no longer the parents of a living child. Now, they have the memory of their son. A son that fought for every minute of his 25 days here on this earth.

I have been consumed with thoughts and prayers for this little family. I have gone to my bible tonight for strength. I have found comfort in hearing the sound of my Brownies playing, laughing, hearing them find delight in each other and even found peace when I hear them cry. I realize that every day is truly a gift. For the last 1,000+ days, I have been given 1,000+ gifts multiplied by two. I don't take any moment of those 1,000+ days for granted, for Baby Tyler is now silent. His parents will never hear their son laugh, coo or cry until they are one day united with him in heaven. My sister came tonight and we worked on the DVD for the family, I choked back tears and my throat swelled as I looked at the pictures. I cannot imagine how Baby Tyler's parents feel tonight. When the chaos of the day ends and friends and family go home, they have only each other to fall back on.

In searching for some scripture tonight, I found some verses that spoke to me. I hope to share these with Baby Tyler's parents in the coming days. Some "Words of Truth" as a dear friend likes to call them and possibly some comfort for them. If you have a moment, will you please say a prayer for Baby Tyler's family? Will you ask for strength as they once again must be "prepared" to lay their little blessing to rest?

Psalm 139:13-18
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous - how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can't even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me!

Isaiah 49:1
Listen to me, you islands; hear this, you distant nations: Before I was born the LORD called me; from my birth He has made mention of my name.

Mark 10:13-16
People were bringing these little children to Jesus to have him touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them.

Will you hold me?

I hear this request often from Big Brownie, "Mama, will you hold me?" and from Little Brownie, "Mommy, Mommy, hod (hold) me!" I love to sit and hold my boys and read to them, sing to them and love on them. It makes my day to hear these words and to give them all they want and need of me. However, sometimes my own love tank will empty and I need to be held too. I have began to ask the Brownies, "Will you sit and hold me for a minute?" Big Brownie says, "Sure, come sit on the couch and let me hold you." We go to the couch and he puts his arm in the air and his little hand barely reaches around my neck. He wraps his other hand around my waist. Then, Little Brownie squishes his way behind me and puts his arms around my neck and rocks me back and forth. It is so sweet and precious to have them love on me as much as I need to love on them.

As we were getting about ready for bed last night, I looked at Daddy Brown as he was getting a few things finished up for the night and said, "Will you hold me?" It was so out of the blue, it wasn't because I was sad or upset, it was just a need I felt immediately. I needed to hold Daddy Brown and I needed to feel his arms around me. The touch of the one I love, being held close and tight. We walked into the living room and the Brownies were under foot. As we sat on the couch, Daddy Brown held me in his arms and the Brownies piled on top for a big group holding session. It was the most wonderful feeling to have all of my boys on less than 2 cushions of the couch sharing love and warmth. The boys thought we were making Mommy sandwiches. Daddy Brown was the bread, I was the meat, Big Brownie was the mayo and Little Brownie was the bun. I remember fondly making family sandwiches when I was a kid with my sisters and parents. It really is just one big hug and to hold my family now...it's just the most wonderful thing in the world. It leaves my inner tank filled up. Have you held someone today? Do you need to be held? Ask the ones you love, big and small, "Will you hold me?" It will do your body, mind and soul a world of good. Happy Friday to you all.

How about a "SAY WHAT WEDNESDAY"?

Man have I ever missed posting my weekly "Say What?". It has been a super busy summer that seemingly is leading to a even busier Fall season fast approaching. Just to get everyone up to speed, Big Brownie is now 3 years and 2 months and Little Brownie is now 22 months old. They are becoming REAL brothers. You know, the kind that have combats and camaraderie all at the same time.

Thanks to Tutu Nani, the boys were given a treat of "Super hero" capes a couple of weeks ago. You know I could have tied a towel to their necks and told them they were capers and that would have been sufficient. However, with Big Brownies new found interest in Batman, Superman and Spiderman (learned from nephews)...as well as SUPER WHY from PBS, he loves to be my little super hero. This is all captured and carefully observed by Little Brownie. Sometimes in the morning when we rise, the first thing Big Brownie asks is, "Can I be your super hero today?" I grant his wish and before long, he is saving the day with his amazing leaps off the couch to save me from a toy bug on the floor or zooming through the kitchen to put a cup in the sink, saving the carpet from a spill. Little Brownie is in awe of Big Brownies super powers. He has decided he also wants to be my little "Super Hero" as well. His language has become a lot more clear over the last few weeks and he runs to me and says, "Mommy, Mommy...I suppa-tero too?" I grab his cape and within minutes he is also looking to save the day with his "Suppa-tero" powers. What would the caper duo be without a super dog, so Andy has been added to the super line-up as our very own, Super hero dog. It is quite funny to see them running around as a trio of super hero's, jumping from couch to pillow then pillow to chair...saving the day with their powers to put clothes in the baskets and blankets on beds. To pick up toys that need saving from the floor and snacks from the table. Yeah, they may think they are super-hero's, but I'm taking full advantage of the situation and making them little caped helpers. However, as quickly as we clean up, we destroy the territory so that there is another episode of "Saving the day" tomorrow.

As I said, Little Brownie is becoming more clear in his communication. My favorites are..."Mommy, Mommy, I stuck!" As I round the corner, he has pushed his foot into the cushion to pretend that he is stuck. Or, the "Mommy, Mommy, watch dis!" as he leaps in the air from the couch and lands on both feet. But my all time favorite is, "Mommy, Mommy, up...hold me, hud (hug) me and kips (kiss) me!" He has a smile and laugh that truly melts my heart and he can work his little magic to make you all warm and fuzzy inside.

Warm and fuzzes is exactly what you need to feel to counterbalance the shear mean streak that child has tucked away. Little Brownie can be mean as snot and boy can he take it out on his brother. I have so far been able to contain myself and hold back from spanking that child, however, I have never had to be more creative with my discipline style than with that child. He will make a drive by "Hit and Run" at a whim. Big Brownie is his best target and to that, I have encouraged Big Brownie to hit back. I know that many of you probably have to pick your jaw up from the ground when I say that I have told Big Brownie to hit him back, but I did not want Big Brownie to feel helpless to Little Brownie's aggressiveness. I don't want Big Brownie to feel like he can be bullied. I need him to feel a sense of worth and power over his person and that sometimes, you have to teach a lesson yourself as opposed to allowing me, Mommy, to handle every offense.

So, with that, no fewer than 2-3 times a day, when the Brownies are at each others throats, there will be an outburst of fury. I will usually be out of the room when it happens, but within earshot distance. It usually plays out something like this...(Crying in the background) Me: "What happened?" Big Brownie, "Brother hit me and I hit him back." Me: "Where did he hit you?" B.B.: "Here on my head!" Me: "Where did you hit him?" B.B. "I just hit him on his head and he fell down and got another boo-boo on his leg." Me: "Maybe you hit him a little too hard?" B.B. "No, he hit me on my head so I just pushed him." Me: "Did you hit him on the head or did you push him?" B.B. "I hit him in the head and pushed him with my fists and then he fell down."

OR...(Crying in the background) Me: "What happened?" B.B.: "He hit me!" L.B.: "I hip Bubba!" Me: "Don't hit brother!" L.B.: "OK Mommy (smiling)" Me: "Sit here in time out for 1 minute." L.B.: scoots to pick up a toy and runs back to his timeout spot "Mommy, Mommy...train!" B.B.: "Did you put him in timeout?" Me: "Yes, he is in timeout" B.B.: "Will you leave him there forever and just come hold me?" Me: "You can't play with your train while in timeout (I take the train and massive crying ensues)" B.B.: "I'm so sad, Brother hit me and I need you to hold me." Me to B.B.: "I'm on my way to hold you." Me to L.B.: "You can't have toys in timeout...give me that car!" B.B.: "No toys in timeout!" L.B. "I sooorry! I sooorry!" B.B. "I forgive him." Me: "Go give Brother a hug and tell him you are sorry." L.B. "I sorry bubba." B.B.: "I forgive you!" So...are you tired yet? It is truly exhausting figuring out do you discipline or console.

We have decided to cut back on some of our household expenses. I turned off the gas because we only have a gas fireplace and we NEVER turn it on...$15 bucks a month saved. I'm leaving my debit card at home and trying to be mindful of the things I spend money on and use cash only....no telling how much I am saving from not nickel and dime-ing our account to death. I cut back our cable services and turned in 2 of our digital cable boxes...$40 bucks a month saved. In doing the latter, I had a "Say What?" from Daddy Brown. With our current cable plan we get 1 digital box and with that, there are certain channels that are only accessible through the digital box. The most watched channel...Nick Jr. channel 113. Since we have a few movie channels and the only time we really ever use the On Demand function is to rent a non-kid movie, I left the digital box in our room. On the first day I turned the boxes in, Daddy Brown came home and I began to fix dinner. I needed a bit of a break and I asked Daddy Brown to handle the boys. He looks down and realizes we no longer have Nick Jr. on the living room television. He looks at me and says, "WHERE IS NICK JR!" I smiled and said, "We only get Nick Jr., through the cable box...remember?" He stood there for a minute and said, "Well, what about PBS or Disney?" I explained, "They only have preschool shows during the morning and daytime?" His response..."I guess we can just turn the television off since there is nothing good on T.V. to watch." In that moment, I grinned and thought, was there ever a time in my previous non-kid life that not have Nick Jr. available would be a "Nothing good on" television moment?

Okay...one more then I'm off to bed. Some of the most wonderful moments of my day are when my boys desire to have some Mommy time. I stay up late at night because that is the only time I have "Me" time these days. Big Brownie will start Mother's Day Out in 1 week and I'm excited about the time I will get to spend with Little Brownie solo. We have never had that one on one time. I think they both will truly flourish with this next chapter that will unfold. As I'm preparing Big Brownie that he will go to school soon, he asks, "Am I going to my new Bible School tomorrow?" Me: "No, you will go in one week." B.B.: "Oh, will they have a Ferris Wheel there?" Me: "No, they won't have a Ferris Wheel there, but they will have a playground for you to play on." B.B.: "Yay, with Zebra's and Flamingo's?" Me: "No, there won't be any animals, but you will be able to play with new friends." B.B.: "Awesome, can they go to the Childrens Museum with me to see the dragon in the castle?" Me: "Well, maybe, but your school is not going to go to the Childrens Museum, but you will be able to draw and cut with scissors." B.B. "Oh no, I can't cut with big scissors." Me: "They will have kid scissors for your to use." B.B. "Wow, and can I cut apples and oranges with them?" Me: "Well, no, you will cut paper, but they will have a kitchen for you to play with." B.B.: "And can I cook pancakes and bacon for my new friends?" Me: "Yes, you can pretend to cook anything you want." B.B. "I don't think Bible School is going to be fun. I don't want to go to Bible School." Me: "Why not?" B.B., "Because they don't have Ferris Wheels, Zoo Animals...no Childrens Museum and I can't cook real food in the kitchen. I don't want to go, I want to stay here with you." Me: "You know what else you are going to get to do at Bible School?" B.B. (eyes light up and mouth opens wide with anticipation) "What is it, what is it?" Me: "You are going to get to make new friends and learn about Jesus." B.B.: "JESUS? YAY! I want to learn about Jesus, can I go to Bible School tomorrow?" I hope the excitement and anticipation of learning about Jesus continues to grow. I hope and pray that the transition to Mother's Day Out for Big Brownie is successful and innovative for him. I hope and pray he never loses his ability to reason each side of the coin and that he continues to find joy in his life through each and every new door he walks through...I hope and I pray!